Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12
"Suzanne, You have breast cancer . . . . . . . . . . . . ." It was as if the radiologist handed me a death sentence. In that moment, everything changed. Anxiety coursed through my body, my mind, my soul and it did not lift for months. My first thoughts, "God, I'M NOT FINSHED. I WANT TO RAISE MY SON INTO ADULTHOOD. I WANT MORE TIME WITH MY HUSBAND. I STILL HAVE THINGS TO DO."
As a GriefShare facilitator, I was well aware that my days were numbered. The Bible says, Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16 We come and go at His bidding.
Zig Ziglar said, "God knows the exact time we will die. There's nothing you can do to extend your lifespan one-tenth of a second."
So what did I do with all of that? I surrendered. I am weak.
I told God I trusted him. I told God he had to carry me through this. I am not a fighter. I am not a pink boxing gloves kind of girl. In my surrender, in my weakness, He was strong! He carried me through lymph node dissection, port installation, chemo, losing my hair, double mastectomy, not having reconstruction, radiation and one year of Herceptin. All along the journey, God provided, cared for and loved me in a way I have never experienced. God removed that horrible anxiety four months in. No more Ambien. No more Ativan.
It's been just over two years since my diagnosis in October 2016. My one year check from treatment went well last month. The biggest life lesson learned is to LIVE now. To savor this moment. To hold plans loosely. And to exhale . . . . . . . . .